I'm already dead and this is hell

http://www.imalreadydeadandthisishell.com/ < is a blog I really love. I wish this guy didn't stop posting! great writer and very funny.


I'm going through a major transition at the moment and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I left a good job (that was driving me fucking mad), a cheap apartment (owned by a batshitcrazy biatch), and the beautiful city of New York. I was doing okay, but I thought/think....I can do better.

My ultimate dream is to own my own company and be self employed. My short-term goal is to do my own thing on the side and snag a 9-5 that I love and that can bankroll my goals. Optimistic? Yes. I always have been. Right now is the first time in my life I've really struggled.


1. I'm broke as all hell. Any savings I had from my last job has dried up and I'm starting to feel dried up :(

2. The company I want to work for wouldn't hire me on the spot so I'm interning...for free :(. I'm feeling very used. Spending money on gas and food with no income. Woe as me, pity party, ect.

3. I'm feeling very resentful towards my significant other for various reasons. Primarily because he doesn't do anything to better our situation.

Even though I've always thought of California as home, I'm on the verge of regretting moving here. I miss my independence, I miss my paycheck, I miss my coworkers! I miss my family and friends. I miss the ability to hop drunkenly on a train and end up having a ball somewhere random. When I made the decision to move here, I never pictured what I'm going through now. If everything works out, of course this will have been worth it but right now I'm really on the edge. Part of me just wants to just give up and do something random. I think "life is so fucking hard". then I think, if i'm interning unpaid, I must be pretty damn privileged, then again!! this shit is not fucking sustainable. I'm basically going mad again but now for worse reasons. I'm so fucking frustrated. I wish I could win the lottery or at least just get a goddamn JOB! I'm fucking good at what I do!
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

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I know I should eat breakfast but I'm seriously just not feeling it. Maybe the days I know I have to wake up early I should put a cut-off time on my eating so I could actually be hungry in the morning. So tomarrow no eating past 8 pm.

drugs aren't cool

so...a 7 ft blue eyed caucasian man comes walking towards me with open arms asking if I'm angela davis, ready to hug me. once I inform him I'm not, he tells me to "get back in my fucking casket, you vampire"

LOL I just googled her. shes REALLY pretty and fro'd like me but shes decades older than me. meth is a helluvah drug. (I'm just guessing, could be crack, I saw sores on his face that looked self-inflicted)

plan for today

1. gym for 1 hour
2. illustration flats (spend time making them look pretty, line-weight, shading)
3. finish embroidering the sweater

monday: put toggles onto jacket, back tab, fix smocking of shirt

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1. work out for an hour
2. get syllabus and go swatching
3. finish sewing the shirt
4. finish shopping report
5. make key looks/shapes




whats been goin on lately... so one day my scale jumped from telling me I was 140 to 155. in one day. I thought it was fucked but ever since then its been saying I was in the low 150s. I really was hoping to be around 130 now but I don't even know whats going on anymore becase of the damn scale. I have a meeting with reebok to try to get an internship for this summer which I'm quite nervous about. I have no idea what I'm going to wear. My old nay fitting is on monday and I think everything will work out. I just can't wait till the pressure is off and I'm on spring break.